So technically I haven't started officially trying to be healthy, but I figured I would put forth some kind of effort. However, I've been struggling just like I always have. The difference though is that I'm going to keep going. Usually at this point I would just throw in the towel, but not this time.  I can't give up. I need to accept that my life is on the line if I don't change. My mother died at the age of 49 due to complications from diabetes. It wasn't a quick death, but two long decades of periodic deterioration including the lost of her eyesight in one eye and her leg. I know after watching and living through this that I would never survive this disease. It would destroy me. I can't give up unless I'm planning to give up on life, which I am not ready to do. So this was a setback. I know that I'm going to face daily struggles and obstacles, but I have to know to keep going. I have to have the perseverance to get through it. It's the holidays so am I going to slack, yes, but I can't let it destroy the progress I've made and the progress I want to make.

So, I guess I should have explained a little bit more of my plan. The times where I have been the most successful with weight loss were when I was obsessed with it. This time around I plan to be obsessed with living a healthy realistic lifestyle. Through my depression basically all I did was lay around and sleep. While I love doing that, I know I need to re-learn to be productive. So I've come up with "The Routine". Basically it is a list/schedule of things I want to get done throughout the day to take care of myself. Right now it's a pretty basic list, but right now it's like I'm a child learning things for the first time. Once I get these things done I'll slowly add more.It reads as followed:

Daily Routine

Wake Up

Brush Teeth

Mouthwash

Take Vitamins/supplements

Breakfast

Exercise 1-2 hours

Shower 

Moisturize

Do Makeup/Hair

Lunch

*Snacks*

Dinner

Skincare Routine

Brush Teeth

Mouthwash

Right now this is my main concern. With the breakfast, lunch, and dinner I want to keep health in mind. I don't plan on actively calorie counting until the new year when I get a little bit more serious. Right now I just want to get in the right mindset. I've been following the routine for the last three days now and I feel better in some way. I like following the routine, it's a great guide to help me through the day.

Hi! This is my own personal journal of the new life I hope to create. In all honesty, I'm sick. I am sick and tired of the life I am living. My life has been an emotional roller coaster the last year and a half. Which has only made my health worse. I've been overweight for the majority of my life. I'm not sure how and I'm not sure why. I think genetics pays a part as well as my family life and my own eating habits. I've tried to lose the weight more times than I can count. I've tried a multitude of fad diets as well as doing it the natural and healthy way. I've had minor successes in both but have always reverted back to my old ways. After somehow managing to climb out of the depression I was in, I've decided to fight for my life. There have been days now where I wake up happy! That was something I couldn't imagine a couple months ago. I've taken it as a sign from God that he wants me to get my life together. He wants me to be the best person I can be for myself.

Luckily I've been able to maintain the weight loss from my last go around. My highest weight was 268.4 pounds. Almost 270 pounds! I never ever want to see that number again. I gained this weight during the beginning of my depression when I just didn't give a damn. However, one day I looked in the mirror and realized I needed to make a change. Through months of yo-yoing I've been able to get down to about 248.5, which is the weight I last recorded about a month ago. A loss of about 20 pounds.

It's a great start, but I know I can do better. I just want to be healthy! If you've ever been depressed you know how bad you can get at self maintenance. Now I want to make up for lost time and get myself in the right place. I want to take care care of my mind, my body, and my life. So, here we go. A journey of self exploration and learning. A chance to become the person I know I was meant to be.